When you lose something you can't replace....

This year saw many new highs and lows.

When I look back, I see an year filled with broken promises and tears. But leaving behind all of him, I'd love to remember this year as an year of infinite possibilities, of meeting some wonderful people (Joe and George precisely) and mostly exploring new corners. 

I was blessed with a beautiful niece, who laughs like crazy every time I'm around.

I have been to newer places this year, my favourite being Colaba in Mumbai and Courtenay place in New Zealand, danced with strangers, missed home and spent sleepless nights. My first trip alone to a new city was quite remarkable, I remember the glorious moonlit Ballard Estate, Room No 96 and waking up to the seas.
My first trip with friends happened this year too, into the sea, free and beautiful. I started writing for Postergully. And ended too. :(

Life is not really about achieving something new, I realize. One sad morning, I decided to leave a part of me and move along. It was so damn scary that I often had to come back to reality.
Life without you would be the toughest thing, I have ever known. Every memories I create I wish I could have shared with you, every new road I walk I wonder how it would have been to walk holding you. But I chose to leave it for good

So this is to 2013, to some wonderful memories made, to travelling and to leaving a part of me somewhere faraway. I hope to see 2014 in newer colors, in travelling more and more and in falling into madness all over again. 

Life, duh!

******Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.******

For every time I learn to be strong
and make newer promises
For every time I grow up a little more
I hate you.

For every time I choose a wrong a way
and cry out with broken eyes
For every time I give up.
I need you.

For every time you come back
and let me see you in different light
For every time you break me all over again
I find you.

For every time you make me smile
and make me find peace
For every time I desert the world just to be with you
I love you.

For I know if love is this strong, 
I can be stronger...

And no, I'm not high..

Sometimes under the blazing blue sky, when everything seems pretty much good I wonder about my twenty-one years old relationship with this city, the city which I'm planning to leave soon.
So when I sit almost blankly my thoughts grow deeper and they take a shape of a big rain cloud and then when I'm just about to cry, I dont. And when I stroll along its road all alone, when I sip its coffee, when I kiss and pledge someone in those quaint, dimly lit alleys, when I cry stupidly over raging madness, when I keep hogging its street food, when I sit in the pubs and drink, when I laugh uncontrollably and when I read its books that are so full of literature and history my heart brims over love and affection for this city and it makes me light, as light as a feather n I go on thinking about the days, my growing up days, my wee little room with books and magazines scattered all over, mamar-bari where I spent most of my days squabbling with my maternal brother, my childhood friends with whom I lost all contacts now and the days of kurtas, jholas n bunking lectures in college. I somehow remember it all.

And so I fall in love with my city all over again as much I used to hate it once, the city which saw my emotions, dreams n regrets so close, the city which never failed to baffle me with her rich beauty, culture and history, the city which imbues me with satisfaction and happiness, the city where I met my first love, where I strolled along in the by-lanes holding his hand, where I brazenly kissed him my first kiss, where I let him go and leave me all alone among strangers. But then this city is so full of bonhomie that when you groan with pain, when you bitch in anger the rain comes and washes away the woes, giving you a strange, undying freshness.
And whenever I feel gung-ho about settling all alone in a place faraway from kolkata, of starting life fresh and independent my heart reminds me of those endless things that I will keep missing. And with a sullen despair I remember about all the roads I walked, all the memories I lived with, all the songs that I danced to and all the guys who splintered my heart again and again.
Kolkata would remain the city of loves and lovers, of couples holding hands and walking down the streets, of friends who would do anything and everything for you, of ilish, mishti doi, phuchkas n flurys, of strange readers and drunken poets, of goods and bads.

On a sultry summer evening, as we decided to walk...

your hands holdin' mine
as tightly as they could
the sudden urge n' the way they felt.
The hopes that came stomping out
the love or the feeling
the desire or the love
probably everything that got tangled
till they tasted something sweetly bitter,
On the dark dusky evening
as we sat there just you n me
the lovely yellow church some few steps away
and the stars smiling at our shambling madness
you suddenly whispered something in my mouth
never knowing that they'd last forever,
As you stood, your cheeks against mine
stroking gently on my bare skin
and caressing my hair
I could hear them say.
On a lovely, sultry summer evening
I could just hear them say!

Hold me darlin' just a litle while.........

Can you hold on for a while?
Can you wait for a moment?
Can you keep mum for a minute?
Can you?

So that I can close my eyes
Rest my head on your shoulders
Put my arms round your waist
And hold your fingers tight…

And then……….
………………..
………
……


She buries her face
Her voice chokes
She tries hard to manage
All goes futile…
He comes round
To say her goodbye
She held him close
N he kissed her a goodbye

Coming back to life !

Brimming with joy,
The music on
Beautiful yet tears rolled by.
The November night
Darkness everywhere
Tearing back to present
Solitude elsewhere,
The deserted roads
The empty restaurants
Wine in our hands
Singing…..
And then a drawling voice spoke
Of the broken promises,
The mind flooded with memories
And silence again.
Wondering bleakly
To the lost road
Misunderstanding all over,
His torn jeans
Pursed lips
Leaning against the wall
Thoughts crumbled
Trying to hide the pain…..
And outside it grew
Cooler, bluer n breezier
Drifted from the thoughts
Pretending away,
The empty corners
Far from the crowd
Our faded dreams
Trying to take a shape
And the numbness grew stronger
Legs trembled
As the memories crept in,
The silent rain
The crystal drops on the glass pane
And the desperations
Melting slowly