When you lose something you can't replace....

This year saw many new highs and lows.

When I look back, I see an year filled with broken promises and tears. But leaving behind all of him, I'd love to remember this year as an year of infinite possibilities, of meeting some wonderful people (Joe and George precisely) and mostly exploring new corners. 

I was blessed with a beautiful niece, who laughs like crazy every time I'm around.

I have been to newer places this year, my favourite being Colaba in Mumbai and Courtenay place in New Zealand, danced with strangers, missed home and spent sleepless nights. My first trip alone to a new city was quite remarkable, I remember the glorious moonlit Ballard Estate, Room No 96 and waking up to the seas.
My first trip with friends happened this year too, into the sea, free and beautiful. I started writing for Postergully. And ended too. :(

Life is not really about achieving something new, I realize. One sad morning, I decided to leave a part of me and move along. It was so damn scary that I often had to come back to reality.
Life without you would be the toughest thing, I have ever known. Every memories I create I wish I could have shared with you, every new road I walk I wonder how it would have been to walk holding you. But I chose to leave it for good

So this is to 2013, to some wonderful memories made, to travelling and to leaving a part of me somewhere faraway. I hope to see 2014 in newer colors, in travelling more and more and in falling into madness all over again. 

Life, duh!

******Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.******

And no, I'm not high..

Sometimes under the blazing blue sky, when everything seems pretty much good I wonder about my twenty-one years old relationship with this city, the city which I'm planning to leave soon.
So when I sit almost blankly my thoughts grow deeper and they take a shape of a big rain cloud and then when I'm just about to cry, I dont. And when I stroll along its road all alone, when I sip its coffee, when I kiss and pledge someone in those quaint, dimly lit alleys, when I cry stupidly over raging madness, when I keep hogging its street food, when I sit in the pubs and drink, when I laugh uncontrollably and when I read its books that are so full of literature and history my heart brims over love and affection for this city and it makes me light, as light as a feather n I go on thinking about the days, my growing up days, my wee little room with books and magazines scattered all over, mamar-bari where I spent most of my days squabbling with my maternal brother, my childhood friends with whom I lost all contacts now and the days of kurtas, jholas n bunking lectures in college. I somehow remember it all.

And so I fall in love with my city all over again as much I used to hate it once, the city which saw my emotions, dreams n regrets so close, the city which never failed to baffle me with her rich beauty, culture and history, the city which imbues me with satisfaction and happiness, the city where I met my first love, where I strolled along in the by-lanes holding his hand, where I brazenly kissed him my first kiss, where I let him go and leave me all alone among strangers. But then this city is so full of bonhomie that when you groan with pain, when you bitch in anger the rain comes and washes away the woes, giving you a strange, undying freshness.
And whenever I feel gung-ho about settling all alone in a place faraway from kolkata, of starting life fresh and independent my heart reminds me of those endless things that I will keep missing. And with a sullen despair I remember about all the roads I walked, all the memories I lived with, all the songs that I danced to and all the guys who splintered my heart again and again.
Kolkata would remain the city of loves and lovers, of couples holding hands and walking down the streets, of friends who would do anything and everything for you, of ilish, mishti doi, phuchkas n flurys, of strange readers and drunken poets, of goods and bads.

A walk down the memory lane

I went to BSS yesterday after almost four years and little did I know that the place where I spent some fourteen years would look so strange. As I scurried through the first floor corridor I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. A string of memories flashed through. It was here I was thrown out of the classrooms most often and it was here that I took the trophy for scoring highest in maths with a burgeoning happiness one Sunday evening. That was way back in class three, yes I still remember. School always brings back these mixture of feelings, tears and smiles at the same time.

I always wanted to come school, even with fevers simply because I never wanted to miss out one single thing. It was only in primary classes that I realized BSS is my second home. And why not it was here where I got my first friends, it was here that I realized that lunch breaks are not only for having lunches, but for enjoying the rides down at the park and it was here where I got some of the happiest moments like winning the 'washing day' race in class two. I simply loved the primary section, that toy library, those western music classes, Anuradha mam, Sampa mam and everything that falls within. But going to seconday is yet another thing, that excitement, that anticipation, that cold feet, that feeling of growing up.

I loved sahana mam from the very first day in class five. She used to teach us English. It was through her I realized that English is my first love and not maths. Sahana mam once read out christmas carol to the whole class and only that she didnt tell us the climax. She asked us to go through the book. It was in class five that I started reading books, feluda or blyton whatever reached my hands first. It was in class five I met my lifetime friends, Mohana and Payel. It was in class five that I actualy understood the meaning of friendship for the first time. Class five meant yet another thing, yes sports day, cheering our own houses, praying for them. That first feeling of togetherness.

As I strolled along I realized how most of the things changed, even how the wooden desks and the old blackboards got replaced. The corridors now looked shinningly beautiful, adorned with bright flowers all over. And the whole building has been painted white with pale blue border which in our times was bright red. Each floor now has a name. I stopped in front of class eleven Science B for a minute. I saw a group of girls grappling with each other and then falling into sudden childish giggle. I stayed at that moment for quite a long time staring at those girls almost blankly realizing somewhere here I belonged years back, somewhere amidst pritha mam' chemistry classes, amidst chaki mam's scoldings and among those wonderful moments with the craziest bunch of buddies, moments that one could never let go.
I recalled the last day in school, cutting that chocolate cake, dancing with the whole class, clamouring for no reason at all. But like others I did'nt cry as I knew that a part of me will always be here, somewhere in the basketball court, somewhere in Dutta mam's history classes or somewhere in these corridors. 

Then suddenly the moment got lost as I saw a very lanky girl standing behind me with sparkling eyes. Stuffing something in my hands she ran away. With curious eyes I somehow managed to check that paper and there it was with her name written underneath.  I almost went numb, some moments that probably remain priceless.  
                                                                                                                                   

On a sultry summer evening, as we decided to walk...

your hands holdin' mine
as tightly as they could
the sudden urge n' the way they felt.
The hopes that came stomping out
the love or the feeling
the desire or the love
probably everything that got tangled
till they tasted something sweetly bitter,
On the dark dusky evening
as we sat there just you n me
the lovely yellow church some few steps away
and the stars smiling at our shambling madness
you suddenly whispered something in my mouth
never knowing that they'd last forever,
As you stood, your cheeks against mine
stroking gently on my bare skin
and caressing my hair
I could hear them say.
On a lovely, sultry summer evening
I could just hear them say!

Reunion.. :)

I shall be meeting some of my old tuition friends this weekend almost after about five long years, the moment I have been longing for years.
And it brings back so many memories. I remember the old damp room where we used to sit, the place which witnessed so many of my firsts- first crush, first fight, first true friends, first book of Harry Potter, first pair of sneaker and all the little things I used to crave back then. I used to go there every Saturday afternoons and Tuesday evenings and I hardly used to study there, ever :P. But things I gathered from Sir are way too important than those stupid physics or chemistry lessons. His beige colored shirt, his sparkling eyes, his lovable words and some odd bunch of twisted incidents are all that I remember now.
True that I have been growing too fast, learning to wear that mask, to put up a fake smile, to lie. And just then I remember those stupid fights, the fresh smell of the saraswati pujas, those evenings with rain and jhalmuri, the dairy milks after bijoya, those bunking tuitions- having fun. I remember it all, perhaps you just cant forget your firsts, they are real memorable, real treasure.
These 5 years have been a lot. I became way too matured, bit too settled and calmed down a lot. No long do I crave for those candies and ice creams at odd hours. I have now other things to take care of, huh? But when I sit back and think about the times bygone, tears come so unknowingly and my fingers curl up with a feeling so rare, so fresh that I allmost feel weightless.
And while I am writing this out in the office with a coffee in my hand and the rain pouring outside I guess I really have grown up a hell lot. Growing up is part of life I guess. And while I see the children clamouring outside, jumping in rains, shouting like anything, I know I am missing those days of innocence when love was so simple, when friendship was all about sharing lunch and secrets and when life was all about scoring good grades.
The air inside the office smells so metallic, so stale that it is making me sick, but I guess I have to get used to this, to grow up even more, to put up even more masks, to hide back tears, to show that pink smile.

P.S.- Thanks to faisaal for the treats (chinese, coffee, bhuttas n ice creams), gtalk for I can talk to all my friends n to all them in the office who did'nt block fb and eventually makin my life a little better here.

P.P.S- Thanks to nilu for every little thing in this world.

Coffee Break !!!

7th August '09, 6:10
@ Barista

It was time for the evening to set in exposing a silent grey world...But today somehow things seemed utterly different overcoming the daily schedules of boring lectures, the evening looked neither that grey nor it sounded that silent amidst-----

() the togetherness

() the clusters of crumbling memories

() the gleaming lights

() the delightful madness

() the happy faces

() the sexy chocolate mousse

() the mesmerizing beauty of my purono Kolkata

() the cheerful grins

() those mysterious faces stripping off their mysteries

() the puddles of colors here and there

() with crimson dreams in sparkling eyes and

() the 'bitter-sweet symphony' in the background

() with the addas over coffee

() which thoroughly included the torkos and the juktis....

() 'some funny thoughts and happy times'.

LOL.....(never knew that strangers can actually turn up to be good friends though!).
Sometimes things happen so fast that there is no time to regret and sometimes you feel soo happy coz u see that old smile back on her face and again sometimes you feel that the harsh reality instead of hurting you is actually making you feel better and at that moment you realize that you are moving on with your life ( priorities do change!)...yeah, winds of change we call it!!

P.S. - And this is dedicated to my best friend 'poly' darling (well just getting used to your new nickname, you see). Truly there are some smiles that time cannot erase and so some all de best mwahs just for you! -:)

Hold me darlin' just a litle while.........

Can you hold on for a while?
Can you wait for a moment?
Can you keep mum for a minute?
Can you?

So that I can close my eyes
Rest my head on your shoulders
Put my arms round your waist
And hold your fingers tight…

And then……….
………………..
………
……


She buries her face
Her voice chokes
She tries hard to manage
All goes futile…
He comes round
To say her goodbye
She held him close
N he kissed her a goodbye

Lost friendship, broken promises and small memoirs

A crowded street, both o’ us trying to get a glimpse of each other and then black and white flashes-Climbing down the stairs, holding hands, whispering…….the grey walls, the sweet smell and the crowded canteen....
Bunking classes, watching movies and those never ending chats…….
And I still remember the day when we said ‘hello’, first time we chatted all throughout the night, how we helped each other during the ragging sessions and all the fun that we had on the fresher’s day….. Still afresh in my mind
Coming college together, the celebrations on the engagement day, the promises of keeping those secrets and fighting over silly matters……unforgettable everything
Shouting in the canteen and murmuring in the classroom, laughing away in corridors and stupid gestures in the class, funny thoughts and happy times…..

Happy times hardly stay and gone are those days……but those moments still hovering around in my mind. I needed some time to get over actually, to forget you, to forget those times, to forget everything that is. But deep inside I knew the fact that it is somehow impossible to forget one’s best times and the ecstasy of touching the pain of losing you was somehow much bigger….
Semester arrived and we became busy with our own stuffs. We didn’t call each other, didn’t smile, didn’t talk n didn’t freak around anymore.
Hatred, ignorance and misunderstandings, well I don’t mind with your own verdict………

………………..

……………………………

The days bygone
The memories yet not blur
Spending times together
Treasured gifts
Precious moments
And the best times finally got over.

Gone With The Wind

This piece is dedicated to my dida who passed away few days back.Well this is the first time I saw someone very close dying in front my eyes. And I cant help but feel helpless but again there is no way other than facing the reality and at the end life surely goes n'.

The doors remain closed
With shackles of fear all around.
I wonder
Over the lost days.
The memoirs tried to calm me
And I embraced them
With a promise of never letting them free.
And the shadows cover me up
I look at the crimson sky.
The misty taste of the tears
Which flows through
Or the cries from a faraway land.
The moonlight shone on her face
As she lifeless lay.
The brains went to haywire
The minds became numb
And the empty soul stayed in forlorn.
Days passed
The nothingness stayed all over.
The burning ashes
And the vaulted sky
Blackens…..
The sweet smell
Or the loving words
Stays forever.
Sanity breaks down
But the pain never heals.
The truth beckons
The realization still lingers
Well there’s no way I can defeat the reality.

EDGE

I walked by the edge
towards the melodies unheard
with passions buried
underneath my heart.
The silent morn
the darkest evening
I kept walking
through a lonely road.
The dreams of my life
the burning desire
the sorrow in my soul
I kept murmuring.
Friends gathered
bringing back memories.
The words unsaid
the dreams concealed.
This is more than love
and this is more than sorrow.
The reason that you held my hand.
Never figuring
the touch would be that warm.
And the love does not fuckin’ last
the colors fade by
leaving a scar.
He will think of me well though
no no, I know not right.
Friends come buzzing around
I look at the world
with a broken smile.

NOSTALGIA OR WHAT ELSE ???

As I logged on to orkut I saw several of them with taglines such as "the last miles", " time to leave my family" and so on with everyone expressing their myriads of emotions on the last few days of BSS. To some it felt like a prisoner free ater years while to many others it seemed like the end of their so called mastis , their life ,their love.
At the beginning I was glad that yes its atlast time for us to leave that perfect hell but as time passed on I began to realize that to leave the perfect hell I have to leave my perfect abode too. Where else will I find some of my best friends and the most memorable moments? Now with all this in my mind I felt a little less happy but a little more sorrow at having to leave the place where I spent fourteen long years of my life.
Things that I miss -----
# neverending chats
# sleeping in classes
# special classes taken by special teachers
# pranks played
# english class (official off period)
# wonderful TT n Basketball matches
# assemblies, talks at the audi
# sitting at deserted corridors
# laughing away
# singing at full blast
# dancing to our hearts content
# sport meets
# last minute cramming
# pathetic internet connectivity
# lunch break
# shouting during off periods
# pp presentations
# public speaking class
# the trip to shantiniketan
# fighting for marks
# arguing with teachers
# best birthday parties
# roadside phuchhka
n what else ( I may forget some important stuff you see)
May be like , it will remain incomplete forever because I'll surely miss everything and my mind will forever be there , miss you my BSS !!!